Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in gillesderais' LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
8:42 pm	brain. it just can't be silent. silt/silent, settling like. (other) there are 6 types of words in this language: ones I like, ones I don't, and 4 types of words that can neither sit still; nor sit, still. But, stand around demanding. OTher) squoundrelled: meaning a waste of good villainy. (OTHER nothing more today. (end of entry) (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 3rd, 2008
10:45 pm	here is a way to always make a good list. first: come up with a couple things that make a whole lot of sense based on the name of the list. as an example let's take 'groceriesse' as the name of the list, please note the whimsical spelling. Whimsy is the devil's way of slithering under your skin, so cherish these days before we all burn for eternity for sins that are stupid. we might put bananas, cereal, and olive oil on our list. OUR LIST SO FAR: GROCERIESSE: bananas cereal olive oil second: add one thing that is tangentially related, but possible to obtain in the same conceptual space as the others. We might add such nonsensical (and most probably fake fruits) as kumquats. If that is a fruit. I doubt it. the organizing principle of the universe has forbade such frivolity. WHIMSY=YES, FRIVOLITY=NO. OUR LIST: GROCERIESSE bananas sirreal olive's oyle kumquats third: lie. this is one of two or three key ingredients to any successful list. put something on there that is not only unattainable, but that you also have 0% intention to pursue the attainment of. for examplic purposity I have decided upon tentacle sex as the next addition. OUR LIST: GROCERIESSE bbbananas sirreal olive's oyle kumquats tentacle sex fourth: add something stupid. this is the second of two or three. the stupider the better. I have chosen brain damage. OUR LIST: GROCERIESSE bbbananas sirrealles olive's oyle kumquats tentacle sexies brayne ddamage fifth: leave the list at home. That's it! that's the whole secret teachings of list-making! Any questions! I will answer them! Current Music: Bethelehem - Dictius Te Necare album (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 21st, 2008
7:53 pm	I am become an inventor, destroyer of worlds this: I want to design a beautiful chrome and porcelain toilet, designed such that whomever (male, female, or any other permutation of genital configuration) has a portion of their stream of urine cast back onto them. How is it that we can feel estranged from our own physical bodies... a rhetorical question easily answered, but only in terms of pictures feelings and totalities encompassed in flashes of light. (end of entry) (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 15th, 2008
12:06 pm	some. perspective. lord of hosts, I need some. like, in a constant stream. Oh the drama that my brain creates. inside of itself. damn. (end of entry) (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008
6:12 pm	Hah, hah. This world is a lot of surprises masquerading as similarity. ( Read more... ) (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 20th, 2008
4:25 pm	When When I hold myself up to what seems to be an insurmountably (edit: infuriatingly?) superior Other, that is when I realize that there must be an unrecognizable wealth all around me. That my eyes have been corrected but that has not perfected how I see. I am quite certain, and I can always hope that this certainty lasts, that in some way the occasional disillusionment I feel must be the reverse face of the perfection I project on to the lives of others. Could it really have been that I was as content as I once remember. That answer is no, in due time, as it seems self-evident that what was best in life was concurrent with doubts, with shortfalls, with that detritus of life that is the first thought of a day lived and the first thought forgotten about yesterday. And it is just precisely now I know that the occasional despair comes not from what I feel that I might have lost. No, and I try to remove the beam in my own eye, but it is a dearth that echoes only in the harsh summer of comparison. Truly, none of these things that exist are sourced from underneath my skins, it is only the shades of feelings that voice their protests in my cortex, the pricking of my back, and the unnecessary rush of heat to face and shoulders. Vestigial, both in physical response as well as in my emotional wavering. And here is a kernel hidden in one of these shells. There is novelty in my life at the moment. Novelty such that in its sphere of influence I forget the other, these things that I write being one such fruit of this 'other'. But, the past has left me with a certain fear of the nigh unbridled joy that certain humans have taught the paths of my nerves to consider. Those (this?) human(s) have all but melted into unrecognizable configurations, a wax sculpture shaped by the body heat of those close to it(them?). I must avoid the death sentence that these thoughts chatter in the interstices, There is only a life here to be lived. Lived with as much humanity as I can dare allow myself to face the problem. This is beginning to feel unwieldy all of these machinations within machinations, these re-assessments re-assessing old re-assessments (please don't fault my hyphens, I must clutch them closely at times out of fear of vowels). Such is this thought at its end (end of entry) Current Music: Comus - Diana (Comment on this)
Monday, May 12th, 2008
2:26 pm	Done. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 11th, 2008
2:42 pm	this day breathe in. Today is, unreservedly, beautiful. I am still, as these fingers impress these words into electronic uniformity, smiling from the feel of the road and the just-enough warmth of the air. I sometimes forget that there is, inside me, the chance for positivity and upward movement. I just don't realize that it's there somewhere, just waiting. Right now that warmth is tapping on the inside of my ribs, beating a tattoo of 'relax relax relax, release release release.' And, for once, I think that I will obey it. There are a number of things that aren't me: the sky, society, other people, shoes, windows, electrons, vitamins, noses (the plural, I really only have the one.), space dinosaurs. What I am thinking is a good decision is deliberateness, the idea that everything about me that I can decide I will decide. Not in the pursuit of control, the opposite really... More that there should be thoughtfulness in everything. I want to recreate that feeling when you receive a present/card that a friend has made him or herself, just for you. That this was crafted with you in mind. I want that for myself, to myself. There is a second face to this thoughtfulness in every moment, and that is the letting go. The letting go of those things that are not within my hand, arm's reach, choice's purview. breathe out. (end of entry) Current Music: crackling (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 10th, 2008
1:47 pm	Paste-pot As always I apologize for my obtuseness... I read other's livejournals and I marvel at how excellently it serves as a way to get to know that person and follow various aspects of their life, and interact and engage with them. I'm pretty sure I know why I can't seem to maintain a 'here's what I did today, last week, etc.' journal. I have trouble drawing the line between 'too much' and 'informative and engaging'. And so, I retreat into the garbled, warped, coded bullshit that infests this forum... For that, I apologize. I just find that this space serves me as an outlet for this weirdness inside of me, better here in semi-public than in public. If I spoke in real life as I am wont to speak here I would be institutionalized, and for good reason. I have never claimed to be stable. (Although, maybe I have... In which case, I'm a fucking liar). OTHER: garbled bullshit OTHER: arxetypical. I am writing about the entwining of Hebrew and Zionist Nationalist Israeli identity. Now don't that sound like real hoot 'n' holler? Any y'all wanna write a paragraph and help a good ol' boy out? Just kidding. I love it. Secretly. Only problem, I'm already feeling the "Semester's Over Now You Don't Have to Do Anything At Any Specific Time, You Can Eat Ice Cream For Breakfast And Stay Up Until 6 AM Doing Nothing But Playing Guitar (Poorly) And Then Wake Up and Re-Read Neuromancer Because It Is a Good Book And You Weren't Planning To Do Anything Anyway" feeling. Not sure if that one's just a Ramey-feeling though. It sounds a tad over-specific to be a universal, but you never know, ya? snarxetypical. OTHER: The dead, after all, do not walk backwards/but they do/walk behind us. They have no lungs and/cannot call out/but would/love for us to turn around. They are victims of love, many/of them. -Anne Carson OTHER: more later, inevitably I'll need the outlet. (end of entry) Current Music: A Silver Mt. Zion (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 9th, 2008
5:39 pm	Plans, I make and make and make and make them As the day (Monday) nears where I will cry tears of finished for the semester. I have come gasping to the surface of conclusion, nigh unto a surfeit of sense. I have decided to revive my dreams of recording a couple of my metal songs, which is exciting. Here are words to express that: Ritualized, wrought and wrenched. Atmospheric. Penalized for eating, subsisting on chemicals only. Long monomers. Shrieking. TSCHREEEEEECKQYYYNNNGGGE. OTHER: At this second I procrastinate, caffeinated out of my head. Out of my head. My head. Head. OTHER: Dormition - Long Photograph Dormition - The Flowers of Sleep Dormition - Panoptintericon Dormition - Dominion Dormition - ghostwarringonghost Dormition - Anagogic Dormition - Virgin Sacrifice Dormition - Begotten Dormition - The Demon Himself In A Flower (Michelet) Dormition - Anodized, Aluminum, Iodine Dormition - Dried Noise/Dessicated Sound Dormition - A Vandal, The Unconquered Sun Dormition - Gristing Dormition - all his freed men had no fingers on the left hands... he's dead -- died screaming... in a cellar Those are song names, some of them have even aggregated pieces of my thoughts, works of my hands. (end of entry) (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 8th, 2008
2:35 am	ghoul-queen smile. Unknown quotient. Death to sentience. Human = Garbage. (end of entry) (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 4th, 2008
12:37 pm	pissing my time away I don't want to draw like mondrian/I want to draw like a sparrow eaten by a cat. Just about as full of lying as one can get. Just lying about pretty much everything in both directions correct and incorrect. Can't quite seem to put brain in contact with realism. Realistic axpectations. AXE PECK STATIONS. OTHER: moremoremoremore OTHER: The meantime meridian. There is a desire to just make and build and produce and justify and yet also not make any sense and be crazed and intense and smoke too much and drink all the time and somehow never enough to be drunk and be beautiful or whatever. And I want to yell a lot. About not important and very important and rad things. Wreck Less Abbadon. Ab Band Done Duh. Reckless abandon. Maybe I just want to want less? And to have everything figured out. (((((((((((((***))))))))))))) Third-eye. OTHER: I wonder if certain humans are as crippled as I feel so much of the time? (end of entry) Current Music: thesesounds (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 3rd, 2008
1:01 pm	Lord I Hate Your Day. Grails. ( Read more... ) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 30th, 2008
12:33 pm	New Mantra: Iron eyes/Iron will. (end of entry) (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 26th, 2008
12:04 am	the sky right now is mostly lightnings. I counted 16 different types. My favorites are claw and cat, but diffuse glow is another good one. (end of entry) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
2:23 pm	If I Were a Kung-Fu Master... Who Also Was Awesome Enough to Invent and Name New Techniques: Kuato's Twitch and Whisper Technique Spiralling Bad Decisions Technique Technological Do-Over Technique YouTube Rant Technique Wax Fruit Technique There's a Piece of Gristle in This Chicken McNugget Technique Distraction From Suicide Technique Technique Technique Loons With Ticks Technique TL;DR Technique Hottest Celebrity Gossip Technique (Now With More Revealing Celebrity Photos!) And, there're probably more too. (end of entry) Current Music: whiiiiiining (Comment on this)
Friday, April 18th, 2008
3:54 pm	Metal River Metal river, a passion in the soles of feet. Is it possible to write in the peripheral vision? What kinds of art could be made just at the very sidemost seeing? I have the feeling that they would be, as sometimes is said of glass, a slow liquid. A clear river that hides itself in showing the sun, or by being the same when it shows us, us at night. Shaded darker than is usual. Shaded darker and less distinct that it feels to exist. If that can be said to have a feeling. For me its the taste of nothing, which actually is a flavor. As my saliva is experiential and has just the taste of warmth and inclusion. (end of entry) (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 15th, 2008
3:04 pm	O/P/E/N Newsflash self: The internet is stupid. The internet is the deceiver. The internet does not portray real life. It is a sordid den of iniquity, vain hopes that fester in squalid surroundings. I imagine sluggish oils lap languidly at the feet of various pieces of furniture. Here's the point. "Recognize this as your own nature. Abandon fear. Abandon the terror you project. Let your mind rest, beyond flesh and bone. Look from a place of understanding." "Your mind is a conduit. Your mind is as vast as the universe. Rest in this, in the clear light of existence. This light is divine." Unsafe, it is said. ( Read more... ) Current Music: Neurosis - Lost (Comment on this)
Monday, April 7th, 2008
9:30 pm	New Flesh post I thought I'd direct any and all interested parties to my movie review blog: The New Flesh because I posted some reviews in honor of the passing of Charlton Heston. Good Night Sweet Prince 1924-2008 (end of entry) Current Music: Neurosis - An Offering - Sovereign (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 18th, 2008
8:10 pm	[...] Here: I have reached a type of intellectual impasse. Here's what I am moderately good at: learning things, sometimes talking, sometimes writing, reading, finding typos, listening to music, watching movies, talking about movies, being nervous, having hair, interpersonal communication (lies!), feeling lost, smiling, making my own life unnecessarily complex, drinking (although I have decided to stop being good at it), being inquisitive, being acquisitive, being caffeinated. Here: There are a number of questions, I'm pretty ok on things like [should I?] but the point that I begin to become unfocused, eyes turning dull and stinging red-at-the-edges, is in the [am I CAPABLE?, is there a career for me in this?, have I made one of the blunders of history? Am I over-extending my idiot's abilities?] Had I thought ahead I would have carved my face like a comprachico chirurgeon would have carved a child's face into an awful grimace. Then, step 2, ever important, is to go to a place where money is still given for the privilege of staring at the disfigured. I assume that the sky is gray glass there, that like a sheet of cloth the clouds spill from one side of the sky to its obverse, the stage-hands huffing just out of sight. I imagine that this place has some straw lying in the corners, and smells just slightly of warmth and horses. In my mind there is a clay bowl, flimsy dishware nearby. Brown-tinged bills fill a repaired pocket, face muffled. At least this way there is some form of fore-knowledge of ruin, success is just continuance, and they are congruent. It is obvious. So, basically, I'm scared. I'm never too proud to announce my faults, only to myself. Is there really any benefit in mantra-izing some sort of success? High hopes? etc... blah, self-absorbed... Underneath this there is a silent golden ball. It bounds a silence, I just need to reverse their places maybe. Underneath to over, inside to out, and in the process forget the worrying over the future. Accept the actions and thoughts of now. This place, this time. All other things are not, they do not and have never existed. Only decisions in this moment. (end of entry) (Comment on this)